Tips for dealing with 'mum guilt'

Ever yelled at your kid, then instantly worried that she'd need therapy about it later on?

Ever felt guilty that you didn't breastfeed for as long as you'd hoped? That your kid isn't doing enough extracurricular activities?

Ever wondered: Does she feel abandoned when you go to work? Has he had enough calcium today? Should you cancel that long-awaited massage so you can spend more time with the family?

You're not alone. Mum guilt is universal, and it's our constant companion — present throughout the micro and macro-level components of 'mumming'.

But just because mum guilt is common, don't make the mistake of thinking it's harmless. The truth is, the guilt we feel as mums has deep roots in shame, and it can damage our mental health and lead to burnout.

Here's why — and what can help turn it around.

Social media is exacerbating mum guilt (and mum-shaming)

I explained before that mum guilt is rooted in shame, but they're not exactly the same thing.

Guilt usually arises when we think we've done the wrong thing. Shame arises when we think we are a bad person — not necessarily because of specific actions, but because of who we are.

So I might feel guilty in the moment when I yelled at my kids to put their shoes on for the 17,000th time, and then I might feel shame that I am the sort of mum who yells at her kids. A 'bad mum'.

Mum guilt (and mum shame) have probably been around since the dawn of time, but I'd argue they're worse now, in some ways, because we judge our behaviour and who we are by comparing ourselves to our internalised idea of what 'good mums' do, and how 'good mums' should behave.

Back in the 1980s, my mother-in-law grappled with guilt over returning to work part time, which wasn't 'the done thing' in her small country town, and not switching to disposable nappies, which were all the rage. Both of the things she felt guilty about were things that she was doing differently, interpreted as 'not as well' as other mums in her circle.

But her circle consisted of around 20-30 mums at most.

Now, we are exposed to the parenting standards, practices, and #mumgoals of hundreds or thousands of mums in 'our circle', online. Mummy bloggers started it, and Instagrammers and Mummy TikTokers have dramatically increased our exposure.

Social media also means that we witness and experience a lot more judgement of mothers over their choices and actions.

This helps to continually heighten the expectations of what we 'should' live up to. When we see mums being judged online for things that we are also doing, this makes us feel bad — a vicarious judgement of sorts, and we may feel guilt or shame as a result.

So yes, mum guilt always been present, but the problem is that the standards are just so much higher now. These standards are also completely unattainable given that we are also trying to hold it together at home, and have a career.

While the benchmarks and standards for success at work are usually clearly articulated, the standards for success at home are less clearly defined.

We usually default to our internalisation of the societal standards of being a 'good mother', derived from our peers and our culture, even if they don't fit with our individual career reality and ambition.

How mum guilt harms us (especially perfectionists)

Setting these high standards for ourselves, in all arenas of our lives, isn't good for us.

No matter how much we try to multitask or #mumhack our way to success as a 'good mum' and ideal worker, it's setting up for anxiety, depression, exhaustion and burnout — in our career, our parenting, or both.

Research shows that having unrealistically high parenting goals can lead directly to parental distress; it also limits our ability to achieve our ambitious career goals, which also leads to parental stress.

What's more, believing that others have high expectations of us can contribute to burnout — having a stronger impact on parenting burnout than factors such as unemployment, financial stress, and having a child with special needs.

This can be especially problematic for mums who have perfectionist tendencies. (Think: having high expectations of yourself that you believe are critical to improving your children's development and wellbeing — and being really concerned over mistakes that you feel you have made, and worried that others might criticise your mothering.)

While many consider perfectionism to be a positive trait that motivates their performance, having high standards in both your parenting and career life can be a perfect storm for mothers.

In 2020, these chronic stress levels that many of us experience were then also compounded by a global pandemic that has left many mothers experiencing depression and anxiety, burnout and substance use patterns that we can't just 'snap back' out of as the world begins to return to normal.

Turning things around: Try self-compassion

So, what's the solution?

The antidote to shame and perfectionism is basically self-compassion: the practice of being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we feel inadequate, rather than flagellating ourselves with self-criticism (or ignoring our pain).

Research has found that self-compassion can help to improve anxiety, depression, body image and parenting stress. 

It can help in reducing comparisons with other mothers and to make you more resilient to comments and criticism from others.

Being kinder to yourself also helps you to be a more mindful parent.

Once we start to give ourselves permission to turn down this critical voice, and hear more from the compassionate one, we see the magic start to happen. Your kind voice comes more and more naturally with practice and then you start to feel less anxious, less cranky at the kids, and more worthy of prioritising time for yourself.

Five more tips to dial down the mum guilt

Once you've become practised at self-compassion, you might be better able to make some other helpful changes, too:

• Create a mantra that you can draw on in the hard moments, such as "I'm doing the best I can". You can use this when you are being hard on yourself. Or when other people are making you feel guilt or shame, try saying this to them.
• Pause in hard moments to recognise what you are feeling, realise that other mums around the world feel that too, and struggle like you are. Then say some kind words to yourself.
• Do a social media audit by reviewing the groups you're in and the people you follow. If there is anything that makes you feel bad, unfollow and notice what changes.
• Explore the concept of 'good enough' parenting. Take a moment to reflect on your standards of parenting, and reconsider some elements that you could shift on. 
• Give yourself permission to take good care of yourself — honouring your needs, starting with the basic ones (like drinking enough water and weeing when you need to) ) and ensuring you have time to enjoy yourself, too. (Having leisure time is critical in reducing burnout. Science says so.)

Dr Zali Yager is a mum of three and maternal mental health and body image researcher. Zali is passionate about supporting mothers to prioritise themselves and engage in constructive self-care to enhance their wellbeing and mental health. Connect with Zali on Instagram or her website.