Is it rude to pop in to a friend's house uninvited?

My phone is a mausoleum of abandoned plans.

It's full of decaying text chains and group chats about dinners and drinks that never happened.

"Sunday's no good for me, how's Thursday?"

"Honestly, all weeknights are bad."

"I'm booked up for the next few weekends, sorry!"

Suddenly you have a tentative plan for a casual pub sesh with friends three weeks from now — a plan you'll probably all forget about when the day finally arrives.

I don't know when having fun became this exhausting.

It could be a sign of the times: we're all burnt out and overcommitted, trying to optimise every second of our days right up to the moment we switch off completely. Or it could just be my age: at 30, everyone's time seems to be consumed by big stressful jobs and/or babies. There are only so many nights out you can cope with per week.

But a couple of years ago, my friend and I found a solution: we started popping in to each other's houses whenever we wanted to catch up.

No plans. No pressure. No stressful texts.

And honestly, it was a game changer.

The power of 'popping in'

Obviously this isn't a new idea.

Your parents and grandparents probably did it all the time: dropping by their neighbour's place for a cup of tea or bringing some food to friends on the weekend.

It's not uncommon in tight-knit communities and/or regional areas, where you don't have to deal with a 40-minute inner-city commute on either side. And, in some cultures, it's still a standard way to socialise.

"I'm from a Bulgarian background and we generally don't make big plans," says Krasi Kirova, a Melbourne-based psychologist.

"We call someone up and say, 'I'm in the neighbourhood, can I drop by now?' That's really normal.

"It's almost like 'if everything else aligns, I'm going to make a social connection'."

These tighter social boundaries aren't necessarily a bad thing.

"It makes for a more structured society," Ms Kirova says. "But it can become too rigid sometimes."

She suggests that introducing a bit of flexibility to your plans can make each person feel valued and create a stronger bond between friends. When you pop over to someone's house, it shows you're making an effort to build a connection. When that person is able to put aside time for you, it shows they really care about the relationship.

When I put the idea to my friends on social media, most thought it was a wild idea. They never pop in on anyone uninvited. But when I asked the same group how they'd feel if someone did it to them, they said it would be really nice. Only around a quarter of people thought it was rude.

"I wish I had the confidence for this," one friend said, "and [that] it still happened outside the world of Friday Night Lights."

How popping in worked for me

It all started with a conversation with my friend Aura.

After 14 years of friendship, we really didn't need an excuse to see each other. It's not always necessary to set a date or buy a meal or clean up the house. So we made a pact to embrace "pop-in culture": an open invitation to pop in whenever we were in the area.

Last summer, I popped by Aura's house after spending the day at the local pool and caught her on her way back from work. She got straight into her pyjamas and we ordered takeaway. Through Melbourne's long lockdown, she'd pop by my place with a takeaway coffee and we'd go for a much-needed walk.

Sometimes we'd text each other beforehand for a quick head's up. Sometimes we'd miss each other completely.

But even then, the effort didn't go unnoticed.

It made the world feel a little smaller and a lot easier. It was reassuring to know a good friend could be on my doorstep at any time.

What to consider

There are only a handful of people in my life I would feel comfortable doing this with, and even then, it really depends on the person's circumstances.

"When we talk about boundaries, it's always about context," Ms Kirova says. "There's no one hard and fast rule."

In fact, there are all sorts of reasons a friend or family member might not appreciate an unexpected visitor or a disruption.

"[A new parent] might really want to see you, but not if that means their baby's not going to sleep for two days after," Ms Kirova says.

"Or if it's someone with a chronic illness, they might have certain times of the day where they have more energy, so it's more important to schedule.

"Don't assume 'what works for me must work for someone else and they should accommodate me'."

COVID is also a complicating factor. People are understandably more selective of who comes into their homes, and Ms Kirova says she's seen a real uptick in "confinement and anxiety". If someone's feeling anxious about social situations, turning up unannounced probably isn't the best idea.

If you're on the fence about it yourself, Ms Kirova also notes there are more conservative ways of creating flexibility in your relationships.

"Even if you don't feel comfortable popping by unannounced, you can just text someone: 'Hey, I'm free today. If you don't have anything to do, let's organise something.' That way you give them the option.

"It's not 'I'm coming over, is that OK?'. That's harder to say no to, and you're putting someone in a position where they have to reject you. This is an invitation: they can join or not."

She says it's important not to take it personally if your friend isn't able to meet.

"Try another friend. Try three more friends."

You'll probably make someone's day.