Opinion

How does co-parenting work after a harmful relationship?

Warning: This article contains references to physical and emotional abuse.

"I had to change my entire mindset — being right was not as important as being effective, that was when things started to change," Kate tells me.

Kate contacted me for this article to speak about her experiences of managing co-parenting after abuse.

Based in Sydney, Kate spoke to me in Melbourne for an hour by video call, as she shared with me her journey over the past 8 years, from complete estrangement from her children, to successful shared custody.

"My ex-husband was physically abusive, sometimes the children saw this," she says.

"Over the past eight years, which included the children being withheld from me at various stages, we have been able to establish a positive co-parenting relationship.

Now, she says, "We have even celebrated birthdays and Christmas together."

A note about safety: If you feel that you or your children are currently at risk, this article may not be what you need right now. I recommend you seek support from child protection, the police and relevant family violence organisations in your local area.

Leave — and don't look back

Usually, when you experience any form of abuse from a partner — whether that be physical, psychological, financial or sexual abuse, people will encourage you to fully disconnect from the perpetrator.

This can include stopping all communication, and seeking police support if appropriate.

Children — the unbreakable bond

However, with children, the process of separation is more complex and often means you need to remain in contact with the other party, despite harm that happened within the relationship.

Many difficulties can arise in this process.

These include: the ongoing perpetration of emotional and verbal abuse under the guise of childcare; the use of a child as a pawn (eg. withholding access when there are no clear identifiable safety risks); difficulties managing the feelings that arise during communication; disruptions to future plans (such as being unable to move because the co-parent disallows it); difficulties managing different childcare philosophies; and traumas created by the adversarial family court process.

Some of these problems are natural difficulties that arise as two different individuals attempt to mesh parenting ideologies.

However, some of the issues are more insidious and may include problematic dynamics (eg. exertion of control).

For Kate, her ex-husband started withholding access to the children once she started dating someone new.

Eight years later, this still impacts her relationship with her eldest son, who believes that she abandoned him.

Managing Harmful Behaviours

People may continue to perpetrate harmful behaviours after separation for a range of reasons, including difficulties managing strong emotions, personality factors, entitlement (i.e. believing they are entitled to access or contact with someone), attitudes such as misogyny, mental health difficulties, substance use, and difficulties with problem-solving.

When working with victims of relational abuse, together, we focus on establishing physical and emotional safety, building boundaries, carefully delineating the things that the victim can control (such as your own behaviour and responses) and those they cannot (the perpetrator's behaviour), building assertive communication and the skills to understand and manage emotions that arise.

It is not your responsibility to work out what is going on for your former partner, but it can be helpful to think about the reasons for difficult behaviours, as it can support you with developing a plan to deal with these behaviours during co-parenting.

Be aware that harmful behaviours can span a spectrum of harm, from dangerous behaviours such as physical violence, to difficult behaviours such as verbal abuse.

Ongoing behaviours at the more harmful end of the spectrum are best managed with legal and criminal justice intervention, including appropriately targeted treatment and supervision for the perpetrator.

Support from a trained professional, such as a clinical or forensic psychologist (a forensic psychologist is trained in working with people who engage in offending behaviours, and can help assess risk, and manage and treat harmful behaviours) can be invaluable in working out whether you require this kind of intervention, for your or your children's sake, and also in developing a co-parenting plan.

The Three-Fold Task

When managing harmful or difficult behaviours during co-parenting, the task is three-fold.

1. 1.Maintaining the physical safety of yourself and your children.
2. 2.Forming (as much as you possibly can) a successful co-parenting dynamic to ensure a healthy physical and emotional life for your children, and
3. 3.Maintaining emotional equilibrium and managing your own mental health.

The task of forming a successful co-parenting dynamic without being further victimised yourself remains challenging.

When working with parents who have a difficult co-parenting relationship, I work with a few simple principles.

1. Accept the likelihood that you will need to co-parent with your former partner

Unless there is risk of physical or sexual violence, or harm to the children, this is likely to be the reality.

Once you accept this, consider and prioritise the ultimate aim of any contact — to safely co-parent together and support your children.

This is how Kate did that: "Before I went into any meeting, I sat down and asked myself what I wanted to achieve. This helped me avoid emotive language or point-scoring," she says.

It can be helpful to decide on a goal for each required contact (eg. discuss school attendance) and to plan the type of communication that may achieve this.

This process means that you might have to separate harmful behaviours that were inflicted on you within the relationship, from harmful parenting behaviours. These two types of behaviours are not always the same.

It can also be helpful to separate issues that are important to you, from those battles that you might be able to let slide, and to plan ways to manage emotions that might arise during this process to avoid reacting impulsively in the moment.

2. Manage communication carefully

This involves a clear expression of specific aims ("I would like us to work as a team on school attendance"), the use of 'we' language ("what can we do about this?") to remove the stance of opposition, avoiding emotive or blaming language ("you always do this…") as this can evoke defensiveness and conflict, and being constructive and reinforcing with praise ("I appreciate how you worked with me on that").

Praise is a potent reinforcer, and while it may feel challenging to communicate in this manner when someone has been harmful to you, it can be helpful to keep the ultimate goal in mind and use communication techniques to support that.

3. Maintaining boundaries remains vital

This includes ensuring that communication stays in the realm of the necessary — what is relevant to the children.

Using structural aids to support this, such as weekly email handovers, can be helpful.

I always advise clients not to use text messages for anything emotional, as the immediacy and lack of emotional cues can lead to quick escalation.

4. Seeking support from neutral parties can be helpful

Kate noted that she co-parents more with her former partner's new wife, than him, and that this co-parenting dynamic has been transformative.

Similarly, having a neutral buffer present when communication happens, either in person or via other methods, can help harmful or controlling behaviours happen less frequently.

It is also vital to allow and express your feelings during this process, including anger and grief. These emotions are likely to come in waves, and having psychological supports, including a psychologist, or supportive friends and family can be invaluable.

5. Nurture your own identity and life

While difficult, it is also helpful to build a broader identity outside parenthood and the relationship, to ensure you have a range of identities to draw solace from.

Work, friendships, hobbies and other relationships can be sources of support and meaning and give you something to feel positive about at times when the co-parenting relationship feels particularly fraught.

Dr Ahona Guha, DPsych, is a clinical and forensic psychologist in Melbourne, Australia. She works with perpetrators of a range of offending behaviours to reduce the risk that they will re-offend, and also works with victims of abuse and trauma. She writes about a range of psychology topics at Psychology Today. and can also be found on Twitter and Instagram.