Antenatal classes didn't prepare me for my breastfeeding issues and the 'mum guilt'

My son was born in November 2021. Even though I had a caesarean because he was in the breech position, the first few days were as smooth sailing as they could be.

Five days after his birth, when the midwife visited me at home, she told me my baby's weight had dropped 10 per cent.

I immediately felt like I was failing as a Mum.

She said it's normal for a baby's weight to fluctuate, but a week on I was told I wasn't producing enough milk for him — my baby was starving.

It turned out that my milk was delayed and I had low supply.

I was put on medication and had to follow a strict feeding schedule. It was like running a marathon.

Every three hours I had to:

1. 1.Wake my baby up and change him (he couldn't sleep past the three hours).
2. 2.Feed for no more than 30 minutes (if he fed for longer than 30 minutes, he would have burnt too many calories).
3. 3.Top Lucas up with a bottle of expressed breastmilk (10 minutes).
4. 4.Pump for at least (30 minutes).
5. 5.Organise the expressed breastmilk and clean the pump (15 – 20 mins).

In the weeks that followed, I would cry multiple times a day. The feeling of failure and guilt washed over me while I worried if I was giving my child what he needed.

I thought I was prepared having taken breastfeeding and antenatal classes. But why was I not better mentally prepared to deal with breastfeeding issues?

Breast isn't always best

Everyone has heard "breast is best" — it's a saying rife in parenthood and feeding classes and is a message passed down through the generations.

I knew I could give my baby formula, but should I?

The thought that my child would be in some way disadvantaged if I didn't persist was hanging over my head.

"Breast is best" is advice championed by the World Health Organisation, which recommends exclusively breastfeeding children until they are six months old.

In Australia, less than half (39 per cent) of babies are still being exclusively breastfed to three months and less than a quarter (15 per cent) to five months, according to the 2010 Australian National Infant Feeding Survey.

Even though I was struggling and was advised that I "could" top up Lucas' feeds with a formula bottle, no one told me outright to do it.

At that time, I felt like I needed someone to give me permission to do so. Instead, I kept up with the breastfeeding marathon to avoid feeling "mum guilt".

Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA) chief executive Julie Borninkhof says while breastfeeding has an evidence-based impact on babies, so does forming a healthy bond.

"A bond that is forged not on the guilt and the feelings of failure but just on being there for your little person and making them as safe and well as possible," Ms Borninkhof says.

Weight on my mind

Because I couldn't see how much breastmilk my baby was getting, I had to go by counting nappies and weekly weigh-ins at a community child health service.

He would go days without doing a poo due to the low amount of breastmilk he was receiving. When he finally did have a dirty nappy, I'd never been happier to see poo in my life.

Weekly weigh-ins would riddle me with anxiety. I'd feel like a failure when the scales didn't go up by what I was told was the acceptable weekly weight gain in healthy newborns. 

My son's slow growth and drops in the percentile chart added pressure to my breastfeeding difficulties.

Dr Roslyn Donnellan-Fernandez, a midwife and lactation consultant from Griffith University says: "Weighing and percentile charts are not the be all and end all".

"It's an undermining message [that] your supply is not adequate or there is not enough nutrition to provide for your baby.

"There are some circumstances where the baby may have medical conditions or other areas where the health professional may be more concerned, and the weight may be more important to record regularly.

"It's often messaging that is not as useful for women as some of these practical strategies for assessing their own baby's wellbeing."

We've all been through the trenches

Through those dark days, I reached out to community child health nurses, my GP, my psychologist, and the Australian Breastfeeding Association (ABA) to help me try and successfully breastfeed and navigate these feelings of failure.

ABA group leader from the Gold Coast, Glenda Grove, has been working with mums for over 40 years, and says women who want to breastfeed might grieve for what they can't achieve.

"Those who want to [breastfeed] often feel quite intense and ongoing grief if they don't achieve that," she says.

"It's something we need to recognise.

"We do a lot of praising the woman for what she can achieve with the breastfeeding."

Ms Grove says she tells clients: "enjoy and celebrate every bit of breastmilk you are giving. It doesn't have to be the baby's whole diet.

"Celebrate your successes."

I managed to breastfeed for nine months, however, the scars of that journey still affect me to this day.

I still worry about his weight even though he is seemingly healthy. I wonder if he is eating enough even though he is now on solids and formula.

If we are lucky enough to have a second child, I would do things differently.

I hope by then support networks become more willing to tell people it's ok to give formula — it doesn't make you a bad parent.

If you need help or support:

• Australian Breastfeeding Association (1800 686 268)
• PANDA - Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (1300 726 306)

This is general information only. For personal advice, you should see a qualified medical practitioner.