perspective

I made the informed decision to feed my babies formula. I wish I was supported

After the birth of my first child, I found myself in a hospital bed googling "Will formula harm my baby?"

The answer is no — of course it won't. But if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, I hope this article finds you.

In those anxious moments in the wee hours of the morning, you crave support, education and allyship.

What I really wanted was a doctor, midwife or someone else in the medical field to tell me, "Yes, your baby will be fine. They will be healthy. You will bond. This is going to be OK. You are not failing. There is no shame in this."

But it didn't happen.

When I was asked by midwives during check-ups how I was planning to feed my child, I would say "breastfeeding, obviously". The response was "good girl".

I read pamphlets and books on breastfeeding. I even signed up for an online breastfeeding course. I was ready.

But my milk did not come in at all. My baby was peeing urates, a sign of dehydration, and she was losing a considerable amount of weight. I was desperate for a solution.

All day, everyday, the midwives would attempt to hand express; an unnecessary activity I gave consent to, but only because I was in my most vulnerable state and desperate to feed my small, hungry, incredible baby.

No one had discussed formula

I had an extended stay in hospital due to post-birth complications.

Somewhere in the haze, the suggestion was made that my wife breastfeed. It was something we had looked at during pregnancy, but we'd decided it wasn't right for our family.

Also, our baby needed to be fed immediately; to get a non-birth parent to lactate takes a lot of medication and time. It does not happen instantly.

On day six, a lactation consultant brought in a breast pump (the first time in my stay) and also talked to us about formula. I instantly felt relieved.

Until then, no one had discussed formula as a long-term, healthy feeding option.

There had been a formula top-up once or twice, but there was this insistence to keep trying to breastfeed, to keep hand expressing — a promise that milk would come in.

It felt like they were determined to persist, no matter the physical toll on the child or the mental toll on the parent.

Are you sure?

Once my wife and I had made the decision to formula feed, I was still questioned if I was "sure" at every feed whilst still in the hospital. It felt like my autonomy was constantly being questioned.

When I was pregnant with my second baby, we knew we would formula feed again. My wife and I could share caring for the baby equally, including the feeds.

I had to return to the hospital when my second child was three weeks old.

I was not put on the maternity ward or offered a bassinet on the general ward. I was in hospital for three nights without my newborn. There aren't any words for that kind of heartbreak.

I wrote to the hospital after my stay, questioning what happened. While I didn't get an official written response, a nurse told me over the phone that I should have been offered a bassinet — and that the fact I wasn't breastfeeding could be why I wasn't.

Guilt and shame

Breast milk is the "milk of first choice" for babies in Victoria, which is where I live.

But according to clinical guidance, a parent's informed decision not to breastfeed "should be respected and supported".

This was not the case in either of my experiences. The discrimination between breastfeeding and formula feeding was blatant in my time in hospital.

Parents should be educated on the different ways to feed their children, so they are armed with accurate information and can do what's best for their families.

There is more than one way to feed, thankfully, and families will get their best start if they know all the available options.

In the real world — that is, outside of social media and hospital settings — people do not care at all if you breastfeed, formula feed or mix-feed.

At my first parents' group meeting, I baked a banana bread because I was worried I'd be judged for feeding formula. As it turned out, everyone was thankful for the banana bread but couldn't care less that my bub was on formula.

They were just focusing on their bubs, and it turns out others were formula feeding, too.

You can still bond with a bottle in your hand

The tie between me and my two babes is completely different, but both beautiful and boundless.

Bonding comes at different times and waves; you can still bond with a bottle in your hand.

With both, I fed skin-to-skin in the early days, at all hours of the day and night.

I still do all the googling for every little thing involving my kids.

But in those early days of parenting, I wish I had the education and support from the hospital and midwives to choose to feed however was best for me, my babies and my family.