What's the fairest way to share finances with your partner? It's more than splitting bills

When it comes to achieving financial fairness in a relationship, there is no "right" approach. 

That's according to Perth-based financial educator Lacey Filipich, who says feelings of security, teamwork and a willingness to share are equally important to doing the maths.

We were inspired to explore the difference between financial equity and equality in relationships after speaking to "fiscally single" feminist writer Sommer Tothill.

"His salary is higher by far, so he pays for more of our joint activities," she shared about her relationship.

"We practice equity and justice, rather than simple equality."

Knowing the difference can be key in achieving the right balance for your relationship.

Financial equity versus equality

You can think of equality as being treated the same, and equity as having the chance to achieve similar outcomes, says Ms Filipich.

"Equity often means you have to treat people differently to account for their different starting points and circumstances, so it can feel like it contradicts attempts at equality," she says.

For example, if a woman takes unpaid time off work to care for the child while the partner continues working, the partner could contribute into the mother's superannuation to ensure she doesn't fall behind, Ms Filipich says.

Financial advisor Kate McCallum, based in Sydney, says she prefers to think of fairness over equity, because it is a more holistic approach.

"[Thinking about] what is fair can be a very valuable way of understanding what matters to each individual in a relationship, as well as for the relationship as a whole," she says.

Ms Filipich says other examples of financial equity in a relationship include:

• Adjusting the share of expenses proportionally to each person's income.
• Valuing the unpaid labour. If you had to pay someone to do that unpaid labour — childcare, cleaning, shopping etc — how much would that cost each year? How much does each partner do? Include this when you're talking about who contributes what financially.
• Making sure both parties get a fair say in how money is spent, saved and invested, instead of defaulting to the higher earner making the call.
• Both partners having access to money to spend without guilt, and without having to ask for it or it being treated like an allowance.

Consequences of financial inequity

Outside of relationships, Ms Filipich says a good analogy for financial equity versus equality is the gender pay gap.

"We theoretically have equality, in that it's illegal to pay a woman less than a man in the same role," she says.

"But we don't have equity, because women earn less than men on average for a host of reasons that could be fixed."

In heterosexual relationships, it is most often the woman who is left worse off if financial equity is not achieved, because they can be pigeonholed in caring roles, explains Ms Filipich.

There are many consequences that arise from this inequity, one example being women retiring with little super and facing homelessness after a relationship ends.

It's one reason achieving financial fairness is relationships is important, says Ms Filipich.

"Their chances of feeling financially stressed are higher, as are the chances they'll have a lower quality of life and therefore poorer health outcomes."

How to make financial equity a part of your relationship

Disagreements about money can cause tension in a relationship.

Ms McCallum recommends couples take part in money exercises as a way to start a conversation about what fairness looks like to them, and gain an understanding of where they are at.

She favours a values exercise, where couples can learn about what is important to each other. 

You could also use savings calculators and budget planners to come together on goals.

"This will shape your life decisions — and how you think about, save and spend money."

If you're finding discussions about money difficult, involving a third party may help.

Couples can consider seeing a financial planner or financial counsellor depending on their circumstances.

A couples therapist may also be able to help you navigate tricky conversations.

This is general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.