perspective

I was tired of juggling full-time work with caring for my children. So I had to stop

The phone call usually comes just after 1pm. I'm almost expecting it.

"Hi Mark, it's Megan from the front desk at school. Now don't worry, but Charlotte has bumped her head again trying to do a handstand in the playground at lunchtime.

"She's totally fine and is back outside playing again, but because it's a head knock we're obliged to call you …"

"No worries!" I'll say brightly. "Thanks for letting me know." And I'll go back to what I was doing before.

It wasn't always this way, though.

The delicate juggling act when you work and have children

Six-year-old Charlotte is the second youngest of six children, and for long periods during her six years on earth I've taken time off work — often for extended periods — to care for her, one or more of her siblings and even her mum.

Things got so bad at two childcare centres — one plagued by viruses that would cause Charlotte to have a semi-permanent ear infection and another that seemed particularly susceptible to COVID outbreaks — that my wife and I pulled Charlotte and her younger sister out of daycare, rather than have them continuously sick.

Both times there was shock and puzzlement when staff inquired if Mum would now be staying home full-time to look after the kids and I answered, "No, it will be me."

Expectations are different for mums compared to dads

The gendered expectations of who would be picking up and caring for sick kids also saw those childcare centres invariably direct calls to mum, rather than to me, even though I was listed as the primary contact for our family.

Having spent a lot of my career working on early morning radio and television programs, starting well before dawn and finishing just as most 9-to-5 employees are turning on their computers, it hasn't been a choice between work or caring for sick children.

Rather, there's the sinking realisation that the daytime nap to catch up on sleep after a 2am start won't be happening today.

Having to take yet another day of carer's leave

There have been times though, when I had to ask to take extended time off work to care for my children or a loved one.

And even though I've worked in large organisations with supposedly progressive HR policies, I've found the response from my immediate line managers has differed wildly.

When Charlotte was a new baby she had an ongoing problem with gastric reflux.

Charlotte's mum, Emily, would breastfeed her and then prop her up against her day and night, so she fell asleep upright and was less likely to throw up.

After a few desperate weeks of this, both Emily and Charlotte ended up absolutely exhausted.

At the same time, Emily also had her hands full with a busy two-year-old, our son Jack.

When I asked for a couple of weeks off, explaining that both Charlotte and Emily were struggling physically and mentally and needed me home, I was told it "wasn't operationally possible" because the roster was "impossibly tight".

But, I was told, there was scope for me to have time off the following month.

A couple of years later, another supervisor was far more accommodating. She had strong childhood memories of the pain caused by constant ear infections, so she knew exactly what Charlotte was going through when I asked for yet another day of carer's leave.

The guilt of letting down work colleagues

When you work in early morning TV or radio, the real guilt trip comes on those rare occasions when you have to make that phone call just as your colleagues arrive at work at 2, 3 or 4am and you inform them that you're not going to make it in today because your child has been throwing up all night.

That means they'll have to produce several hours of live television or radio with one key person missing, which often puts a terrible strain on small teams.

Many times, if one of the kids has had early signs of a runny nose or a suspicious cough, I've tried to second-guess whether they'll be sick, so I can ring work and give them plenty of notice that I won't be making it in the following day, giving them enough time to organise a replacement.

Invariably the child will wake up the following morning right as rain, and I will have blown yet another carer's leave day.

What I have noticed since the arrival of COVID in our lives is a more accommodating stance from the managers and supervisors I've worked with to people's overall health, including their mental health, and wellbeing.

That accommodation has also often been extended to employees' families.

Companies and organisations can certainly go much further in making work more family friendly, but from my perspective, the guilt load about having a day off to look after a sick child certainly doesn't feel as heavy as it did in years past.

Mark Tamhane is a former ABC correspondent, reporter and senior producer. He's also worked for AP-Television News, Sports News Television, Deutsche Welle and ASN Media. He lives in Naarm/Melbourne with his family.