Demelza Stevens and her husband have been together for 14 years and are still 'dating'.
The 34-year-old from Wadawurrung country, Geelong says having a 'date night' or 'date day' helps them maintain connection and check in with each other.
"Dating helps highlight our love and continued attraction to one another and shows how much we care about keeping that spark alive after so long together," she says.
"It is generally a low-key dinner or day spent going on little missions together and listening to a true crime podcast."
Date nights are often recommended by relationship experts, says relationship counsellor and sexologist Isiah McKimmie, explaining that, as Demelza has found, they can be great for reigniting the spark and improving intimacy.
But she warns date nights can't replace daily, small acts of connection — and can go wrong when not approached correctly.
What date night should be
The focus of date nights should be around making time to have fun together as a couple and enjoy each other's company, explains psychologist and couple and family therapist Sian Khuman.
"[Relationship researchers] John and Julie Gottman talk about having positive sentiment override — you need to have a certain amount of positive sentiment in your cup to manage the negative in a relationship," she says.
It can be the stereotypical candlelit dinner at a restaurant, but it can also just be taking a walk together or playing a board game at home.
"Ideally date night is something that is fun, and playful, and gets you out of your ordinary routine," says Ms McKimmie.
"Even if you have to stay at home because you have kids or other things going on, it's just a time for the two of you to properly connect, have fun, laugh together — actually be a couple again."
What might be best left out of a date night
Demelza says during the couple's dates, they have the space to discuss anything on their mind, and talk about future plans.
It works for them, but Ms Khuman warns for some couples, it may be better to keep tricky or deeper topics off the menu.
"Date night is about building positive memories and experiences … sometimes it's better not to talk about serious stuff.
"If everything that needs to be talked about is sitting in the date night, then it becomes totally loaded.
"Then it becomes: 'Why would I want to have date night when I have to talk about all these hard things?'"
Ms McKimmie says more serious chats are better set aside for "state of the union" meetings, another Gottman concept, which is taking time to reflect on the relationship and share things that are working well, and things that need to be addressed.
Small interactions just as important
While date nights might feel good, small and frequent acts of connection are most important, says Ms McKimmie.
"The things you do during the week to build that connection."
That could be spending a few minutes each day to check in with each other before leaving for work, or taking the time to say goodnight to one another properly, she says.
A hug for seemingly "no reason", or letting the other person know you are grateful for something they did, are also helpful examples.
"How couples are talking to each other and managing conflict during the week is really as important as having date nights," Ms McKimmie says.
Where date night can go wrong
Date night can take a negative turn if there is too much pressure on the outcome, warns Ms McKimmie.
"It ends up being one person's job to organise it. Or there is all this expectation around it and that it will end in sex.
"So often it can just be something that either becomes routine, a source of tension, or just becomes a huge let-down."
It's good to have an idea of what each other hope to gain from the experience.
Ms Khuman says the challenges around making dates happen can be reflective of issues couples might be having in the relationship.
"Usually the person who initiates more things will remember the date night, book it, then possibly feel like, 'Why do I have to take the load? Why am I driving this? I always drive everything.'"
Having built-in time, like a babysitter booked for an evening once a fortnight, can help avoid some of these issues.
"You need your relationship to have spark, to have interest, things that stimulate you both, and enjoy and share those experiences together."
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