Most parents would be familiar with that icky feeling after a moment of anger, frustration, or disconnect with their child.
Whether it's a raised voice, or being too busy to acknowledge their needs, a mix of shame, guilt, and disappointment can follow.
Ruptures are inevitable, explains Kate Lloyd, manager of clinical supervision at Relationships Australia Queensland.
"It's normal, we are human … emotional security doesn't come from always getting it right with our kids.
"It comes from prioritising that emotional connection, regardless of the behaviour, and being willing to repair."
With a focus on repair, ruptures can become a "teachable moment" and help children with their future relationships, explains Ms Lloyd.
We spoke to the relationship counsellor, along with Carly Dober, a psychologist and director of the Australian Association of Psychologists, about how understanding the "rupture and repair" concept not only benefits our kids, but helps us be kinder to ourselves.
What is the 'rupture and repair' concept?
The rupture and repair concept is rooted in attachment theory and can apply to all relationships, but in the case of a parent or caregiver and child, Ms Lloyd explains it's about the "emotional connection" and how it can be disrupted, and then restored.
Ms Lloyd says it is part of a framework in which caregivers focus on acting as a secure base or safe haven for their child.
A rupture is a moment of misalignment or "mis-attunement", explains Ms Dober. The repair is the "vital work" that comes afterwards to restore the connection.
What ruptures can look like
Ruptures can look like many different things, our experts say, but some relatable examples might include:
- When your child is expressing a need, and you are unable to meet it.
- When you are distracted and therefore not attuned or connected to the child.
- Raising your voice in a moment of frustration.
- A misunderstanding or miscommunication.
"Let's say we build a sandcastle with our kid, and we get some shells, and we start putting them on the castle and the child gets upset and smashes it down," says Ms Lloyd.
"We get annoyed, thinking, 'What's going on?'
"But the child might see it as their sandcastle; they wanted to put the shells on. And they don't know how to express that."
She says in instances like those, we haven't "done anything wrong", but a repair is still needed.
Ruptures can be distressing for both parent and child, and often caregivers will experience a range of negative emotions.
"Parents might feel sad, annoyed with themselves, stressed they have ruined 'everything'," Ms Dober says.
"They might start to feel like a failure and have intense judgemental thoughts."
She says children might feel anxious or nervous, like they have done something wrong, says Ms Dober, or feel abandoned and confused, says Ms Lloyd.
What repair can look like
Repair can also look like many things, but as a guide, Ms Lloyd says there are four steps to consider.
- Identify your own feelings and slow down before attempting a repair.
- See the rupture through the child's eyes. Be curious about what they might need, and be guided by them.
- Don't take it personally if they aren't ready to repair.
- Stay close to them, or visible, even when they are "pushing you away".
"If they stormed off to their room and slammed the door, you might just touch the door and let them know you'll be on the couch having a cup of tea when they're ready to come out," Ms Lloyd says.
In the sandcastle scenario, it might be a simple comment like, "I'm sorry that I took over the sandcastle and put the shells on, I'd really love to see how you might do that," she says.
For smaller children, a hug, or sitting with them and grabbing their favourite book, or getting a drink of water together are all good options, Ms Lloyd says.
"You know your child and what they value."
Sharing what was going on for you in an age-appropriate way can help.
"You might explain that, 'Mummy can't always hang up the phone when talking about something important, but I'll always come back to you,'" Ms Dober says.
Ms Lloyd warns not to put your feelings on the child. Focus on them, and explain how you would have preferred to handle it.
There will be cases where an apology is appropriate.
"Show that safe people apologise when they've done something wrong," Ms Dober says.
"The acknowledging is really important; it shows the child that parents and adults don't always get things right."
Setting kids up for life
When children experience repair with their parents, they learn how to manage ruptures in other relationships throughout their life, says Ms Lloyd.
"They provide a teachable moment. We want to model those primary building blocks to help inform them to grow up and have respectful and robust relationships."
She says the key thing for parents to remember is "my response is my responsibility".
"[You're] showing kids it's OK to make mistakes, not to blame others for our own choices, and how to repair a relationship connection."
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