When Carmel Rugolino got the call from her fertility doctor to say IVF treatment could begin, she was on a lunch break, walking to get fish and chips with a colleague.
"It was quite an emotional phone call. I was feeling rather overwhelmed, and excited, and impatient, and relieved," the 58-year-old from Naarm/Melbourne says.
"And I was walking with a single man who had sperm … and I just asked him, 'How would you feel about being a sperm donor for me?'"
He said yes.
Carmel didn't predict the long road ahead. It took almost 30 IVF cycles, four egg donors, and $300,000 to become a mother to her two boys, now aged eight and 13.
She also didn't expect to fall in love with her sperm donor.
These are her words.
'I had never thought of asking him'
I had been seeing a fertility specialist in Melbourne and I was choosing sperm donors at the clinic.
There were very few left at that point, and I wasn't ecstatic about any of the options.
I was also struggling because the doctor was not able to legally treat me in his clinic at that time — many single women and gay couples had to cross the border into NSW to get treatment.
He was in the process of declaring me technically infertile for him to treat me.
The colleague in question was a good friend. He was married when we first met, but then separated and divorced, and even then we were still platonic.
I wrote his RSVP profile to help him date.
It was a beautiful sunny Canberra day, where I was visiting for work at the time, and we were walking when I got a call from my fertility specialist.
It was basically the call to say hurry up and get back to Melbourne, pick a donor, I'm able to start treating you.
When I hung up, I briefly explained what the call was about, and just asked him: "How would you feel about being a sperm donor for me?"
I said, "I think you would make a great dad, I've seen you with kids. I have no demands. I wouldn't ask for money, or anything other than for you to be in the children's life if you chose to be."
I had never thought of asking him before that moment.
'I just wanted his sperm at that point'
He was seriously considering being a donor while I was preparing for treatment.
A couple of mates from work were travelling to South America, and separately, we both decided to go.
During the course of that holiday, we got romantic and intimate, and I guess the emotions we had as close friends grew quite quickly.
He wanted a relationship, and I didn't. I didn't think he was ready.
I really just wanted his sperm at that point.
But we had dinner one night in Melbourne and he basically said, "I'm grown up enough, let me move to Melbourne, and let's do this as a couple, not just as a donor."
We had him in the clinic almost immediately. Then it became evident we couldn't conceive naturally; we went straight into a first cycle of IVF.
'It's such an incredible gift'
I was 41 by the time I did my first cycle.
I did 17 rounds of IVF using my own eggs, over about three-and-a-half years.
About the 14th or 15th cycle, my specialist broached the subject of using donor eggs.
They said, "Do you want to carry on your own genetics, or do you want to parent?"
That was a profound way to put it, and it was no-brainer for me.
I looked everywhere for an egg donor. I talked to people, emailed people, advertised — asked loves ones to put feelers out for me.
The very first cycle using a donor egg I had my first son. I was 45.
We had 17 embryos from that cycle but none of the others made it.
But the thought of my son not having a sibling with older parents … I was obsessed by then; nothing would stop me having a second child.
At the age of 49, I got pregnant with my fourth egg donor, and had baby number two.
We have been very open with the boys; they have always known they were conceived using donor eggs.
They know both their donors.
For someone to donate the egg, it's just such an incredible, life-changing gift.
'Collaborative co-parenting'
My husband and I separated during COVID lockdown, but we have a really collaborative co-parenting relationship.
We still do things as a family for the children.
Like for most other [separated] people, it's heartbreaking not having a family unit for the children.
And it did cross my mind back before I did IVF, if I had an anonymous donor, I could have them all to myself.
Every week handover is hard.
But fortunately, because we respect each other and each other's want to be with the children, we do that pretty well.
'The children I was meant to have'
On the one hand, I can't wish for anything other than what my IVF journey was because these are the children I was meant to have.
But I do wish I had found a sperm donor earlier, and knew more about the chances of getting pregnant with your own eggs in your early 40s.
My children could have had younger parents. And there will be more challenges potentially for them [because they have older parents].
But this was our journey, and this is how it happened.
I can't regret it because I have this incredible miracle of two children, and they have a mother and father that both love them.
This story was shared with the permission of the father of Carmel's children.