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Adult voices: Dear Bec. Dear Bec. Dear Bec. Help. Can you help me Bec? Dear Bec. I feel like my teenager hates me. Oh my god, teenagers. It's like I don't even know him anymore. I just feel completely useless. Off the rails. I really don't know what to do. Help Bec. Oh my gosh, Bec help.
Bec Sparrow: Hi it's Bec Sparrow here and in these Dear Bec episodes I'm going to get right to the heart of your teen parenting dramas. And this one, well, it's a buzzy one.
Sam: Dear Bec, my 15 year old daughter has asked to buy a vibrator. Look she didn't ask outright but wanted to buy something with my card but didn't want to say what it was. I asked a few questions and that's what ended up coming out. I told her I don't think it's a great idea just yet at her age but that I am in no way shaming her for it. She says other girls at the school have them and that other girls are opting for sex so I should be happy that this is all it is. Please help.
Bec Sparrow: Well I'm going to shock you with my answer. So you may want to sit down. Should you get your 15-year-old a vibrator? Yep, I'd get a one. And I'll tell you why.
Bec Sparrow: Listen, your daughter has asked you to buy one. It's not like you're walking up to your 15 year old and surprising her at home going, "Darling, look, I've just bought you a vibrator at the shops" and your 15-year-old wants the Earth to swallow her up. She's asked for one.
Bec Sparrow: Female masturbation is still really taboo. And why is that? Because contrast that with the way that we talk about boys and the constant jokes and winks about oh they have to go into the bathroom for a really long time and oh there's all these tissues in their bedroom and it's seen as a bit of a joke. So why is there still this divide? Why do you think we act as though young girls aren't also filled with the same sexual urges as boys?
Bec Sparrow: Masturbation is a safe way to explore what feels good. And if you know what feels good, then there's more chance you are going to be able to communicate that to a future partner. Now you might be listening to that thinking, well what does that matter? Or maybe this whole conversation is making you feel super uncomfortable. I get it. But listen, for a lot of young people, their first experience of sex is via porn. And if we're talking about mainstream porn, then let me tell you, that is certainly not about female pleasure or active consent. So your daughter understanding what feels good and what pleasure is meant to feel like and feeling safe. This is all part of it. I want her to understand that before she has her first sexual experience. And of course, whether or not you buy a vibrator for her, this is a really great chance for you to talk to your daughter about sex and intimacy.
Bec Sparrow: And you know what? Gold star to you for having such a strong and open and trusting relationship with your daughter that she even came to you and asked you for a vibrator. I mean, there is no way on this earth that I would have done that when I was 15. Not a chance. I mean, I was scared asking my mum for a razor to start shaving my legs. So you deserve a gold star on the dynamic that you have set up with your daughter that she feels safe to ask you this stuff.
Bec Sparrow: So let's go back to your question. Do I think you should get your daughter a vibrator? Yes, I do. But here's sort of where I contradict myself. In the end, she's your daughter and it doesn't matter what I think or actually it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you think she should wait until she's 16, that's your call. Just explain to her your reasons rather than just saying no. The most important thing is keeping those lines of communication open.
Bec Sparrow: If you've got a sticky problem that you need help with, send me an email or a voice note to teens@abc.net.au and make sure you follow us on the ABC Listen app.