perspective

My ex-boyfriend is not my daughter's dad but we are a family

He is not the biological father of my child, but my ex-boyfriend, my daughter and I are a family.

You're probably thinking — How? Why? Weird! Or, surely you two are going to get back together? 

Yes, we bicker like a married couple and sometimes I joke that he's my husband, but no, we are just an unconventional nuclear family.

But don't worry, five years ago, I would have thought it was weird too. 

On our third date, seven years ago, my then-boyfriend told me his flatmate was his ex-girlfriend. I was furious. Obviously there was something going on. He assured me there wasn't. I didn't believe him.

But as our relationship progressed, I could see there wasn't, in fact, anything going on, and I realised this could be a really positive thing.

As a single mum, I never introduced guys I was dating to my daughter because I didn't want her to get attached and then have them just leave my life. But maybe if things didn't work out with us, he would remain part of our lives.

I preferred this to what had ensued with my ex-husband, the father of my child. We were friends after we broke up, did family things together — but all that stopped when he re-partnered. 

That is sadly not an uncommon scenario. A friend once gave her new partner an ultimatum — it's me or your friend (who was his ex-girlfriend). The friend was kicked to the curb.

My daughter's relationship with my then-boyfriend

When I first met my ex-boyfriend, I felt very strongly that he would get along with my daughter — and I was right. Once I let go of my judgements (which wasn't easy), their relationship bloomed.

We started living together — I was still financially independent, as that's what I wanted — but we didn't know what to call him.

Because we had no plans to marry, "stepdad" didn't seem to fit, so we just called him my boyfriend. 

But he was caring for her. He was teaching her how to play piano and music, and doing all the things a dad does with a daughter. And because I didn't have a friendship with the father of my child, I discussed parenting issues with my boyfriend. 

Of course, being from a migrant background where everything is about fear, my family were upset and concerned — there is an assumption that if a man is getting close to a child there are dangerous ulterior motives. 

I realised too I wasn't calling him her stepdad because it wasn't deemed appropriate by society, so I started calling him that and people scoffed. 

I had to fend off these judgements because I knew that this relationship was the best thing for my child. I was proven right when my daughter stopped living at her dad's house. 

My boyfriend became an even stronger male role model, which I needed more than ever.

The break-up

I knew my boyfriend and I were not really compatible as lovers very early on in our relationship. 

I ignored these instincts because I really wanted him in our lives. In hindsight, I think we were supposed to be friends only.

When we broke up, my daughter was sad but also glad because there was a lot of fighting towards the end.

We moved into our own place and she had regular visits with him so I could have space. 

We were all committed to continuing our family but didn't know how. We didn't have any other families like ours to look to. My ex doesn't have children but felt connected to my daughter, like she was his child.

My family didn't approve. Why is he still hanging around? But we still felt like a family, and we allowed that to pave the way forward. 

It took a while but slowly my ex and I built on our communication and we started spending time together — the three of us.

My best friend and her stepdad

Fast forward two years and my ex is my best friend. 

He and my daughter are closer than ever. She told me one day her friends keep asking her who he is. So she started just saying "stepdad", which of course, made my ex's heart warm.

We have family dinners once a week and do family things like go on holidays and he's there when I need help with parenting.

My family are now a little more accepting of his role, and maybe even secretly thankful my daughter and I have someone to lean on. 

They still don't refer to him as my daughter's stepdad, but baby steps!

People continue to tell me that we should get back together, but we are not going to — we are not compatible in that way. 

I think people say this because they feel uncomfortable about the situation being something they are not used to.

I also think it's sad that many feel threatened by a partner having a relationship with an ex. It can be a wonderful thing that creates community. I have even developed a friendship with his previous ex-girlfriend.

As a single mother, having my ex-boyfriend's continued support has helped me through some exceptionally difficult times, and if I was on my deathbed I would definitely want him by my side.

Koraly Dimitriadis is an opinion writer, poet and performer and the author of Love and Fck Poems, Just Give Me The Pills and She's Not Normal