When you’re stuck in the daily grind of working-mum life, sometimes it can be hard not to feel like a shitty mum.
School lunches, getting them dressed (FFS), raising good humans, endless meetings – it's exhausting and soul-destroying.
Yumi has some advice to ease the mum-guilt, when your heart is being yanked in opposite directions and backing away from work isn’t an option.
If you’ve got a problem that not even your girl gang can help you solve, let us take on the burden! Send an audio note to ladies@abc.net.au
Credits
Yumi: Alright, sounds good to me by the look of it, but what would I know?
Alex: 12212, hi. Hi Yumi. Hi.
Yumi: Hi, lol!
Alex: I can't get my volume right because I'm deaf. Fuck it, my body has just told me it's old this month.
Yumi: Wait till you're my age.
Alex: Arthritis, deaf in one ear, swollen knuckles, fucking not sleeping.
Yumi: Great. Let's have a crack. Let's have a crack. Hi, it's Yumi here, your tiny but mighty agony auntie, here to solve your problems. I have thoughts, I have opinions, I have advice and I'm more than happy to share it all. Lucky that, because we have asked for you to share your problems with, well, not just me, but also our listeners, so that we can pick over those problems like vultures on a decaying carcass. Now, my allergies are playing up today, so I'm going to be even crankier than usual, which is great because I'm Yumi Stynesand ladies, we need to talk back.
Listener: Hey, Yumi, this is a question about mum guilt. I feel like my heart is black all the time. I've got a small child who's in childcare every single day of the week. While I sit in meetings, in a job I don't really like that much. She hates going to childcare. I hate her going to childcare. I just want to hold her squishy hand and take her to playgroups and cuddle her when she falls down and kiss her lovely fat cheeks and be together. And I know that's romanticising it. I know it's not always like that. And there'll be tantrums and shit days mixed in as well. But right now, the only time we spend together is either me hustling her in the mornings to get out the door and then at night when she gets home, she's ratshit tired. It's just like, eat something, get in the bath, get out of the bath, go to bed. I'm exhausted. She's exhausted. The cost of living has me absolutely bent over and I cannot see another way off this treadmill. We get no help from family. There's no village to speak of. And I'm that school mum that never stops to chat and never goes on playdates because I'm at work. I'm at work. I am at work. It just feels really wrong and it makes me really, really sad. So my question is, like, firstly, am I doing irreparable damage to a fucking three-year-old? And secondly, how do I get over this mum guilt?
Yumi: Wow. That is so, so heavy and my heart breaks for you. That's just really sad. I can hear your pain and I totally get it. You're stuck. Feels like there's no way out. And you've got this beautiful little kid that you clearly adore, but most of her time is spent away from you and that is eating you up. And to make it worse, you're not enjoying your job. For a lot of us, when we're kind of under the pump, at least work can be an island of achievement and reward. But for you, it sounds like it's a lose-lose situation. And as women, we're socialised to feel like we're meant to do all of the traditional caring role and do all of the other things, like have the perfect house and be buff and, you know, sex and whatever. The system is broken no matter what we tell ourselves. It's not set up for both parents to work full-time and then be the best parents that they can be. And men, I'm afraid this is true, they don't suffer the same burden in the same quantity. So I've brought my producer Alex into the studio.
Alex: Did you just say be sex?
Yumi: And like do sex and like be saucy at it.
Alex: Hey, Yumi.
Yumi: Hi, Alex.
Alex: Mate, can I say, God, I so deeply relate to this in my core. I just feel like everyone I'm talking to at the moment is really struggling with money, with bills, with just the cost of everything and everyone's working so bloody hard. I want to get straight in. I just want to say I'm going to answer that first question straight out. You are not doing irreparable damage to this kid. Childcare is an exceptional place for a kid to be. They're playing with all their mates. They're getting to do really fun, really messy shit that you would never do at home. They're painting, they're play-dohing, they're fucking kinetic sanding, whatever.
Yumi: And those carers are trained in early learning. They're not just people that are sitting around on their phones like we are as mums. They know how to engage with kids and they're sort of laying building blocks for their future learning. They are good places.
Alex: Hell yeah.
Alex: And also, your kid's putting it on at the goodbye and the pick up. You reckon? Having a ball all day, 100%. If you put a spy cam in there, she's loving it. So she's lying to you.
Yumi: That's good. That's good.
Alex: But also, I was raised by a single mum and fuck, she worked hard. Shout out, Di. Yeah. And she never came to a swimming carnival. She never came to an assembly. She was never there watching a ballet class. She was always picking me up 15 minutes late and I was on a dark street somewhere in a suburb. But God, she instilled in me amazing work ethics. Yeah. I'm so proud of her and her career and it made me kind of go in that direction. And also, we've got a great relationship now.
Yumi:I agree, Alex. And I think that's really, really good feedback about the daycare stuff, that she's not hating it as much as you think she is. And I've just had a flashback to my now 19-year-old screaming her head off as we were leaving the building. And we would have that guilt, that mother's guilt would be so massaged and triggered. And then as we got further away, walking away, you could hear the screaming pipe down. And I would ring five minutes later and then be like, no, she's having a ball. Don't worry about it. Yeah, totally. So if you can just picture that kid who's just loving their lives and it's totally fine, then I think that that will assuage some of your guilt. Do you say assuage or say? You say assuage.
Alex: Do you?
Yumi: Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
Alex: Okay, cool. I'm learning things every day.
Yumi: The other thing is that your kids are learning that a woman's work and career is important. Oh, yeah. Which we both saw from our mums. My mum wasn't a single mum, but she was flat out too. And one time she volunteered at the canteen in high school. I was like, Yashka, what are you doing here? Go back to work. You look ridiculous behind this counter. But I like that we're living our examples of being kick-ass ladies. The thing I'm worried about for this listener is the black heart. I mean, she said, I feel like I've got a black heart every single day. She said a really bad spot. I mean, if I were your GP, I'd be like, I think you need to, we're going to fill out this form. It's called a mental health care plan. You were going to tick some numbers and we're going to see if you're okay or you're clinically depressed. And I think that's an okay thing to seek help for as well because these times are really rough. It is relentless. It is so relentless. You never get to stop. So the black heart stuff, I think that you need to actually really cast some light onto that and examine that. The job sucking the life out of you stuff is something that you could change. So what could you possibly do? You know, as somebody who's relatively recently divorced, I can't tell you how sometimes those changes are really painful and big. And they have to involve some sacrifice, some pain and some actual fiscal costs. Right? So it could be that the job is the thing you need to divorce from.
Alex :Or could you just break up a little bit with your job? I mean, I know the cost of living is breaking you, but maybe just cut down a day a week. Just get one extra day back to yourself. Yep. And spend some time with your daughter. Or maybe keep that daycare day and have one week with her and one week alone to do things that make you happy and shiny and new again.
Yumi: I love that advice. That's really good as well. [I do have to say though, to this listener that spending that time with the kids is extremely fun. It is extremely fulfilling, and kids are hilarious. I've got a friend who is extremely spiritual, um, and she has this mantra of spending just 15 quality minutes per kid per day. So she's got three and she tries to, you know, not be distracted, not be hearing the phone ping and not be looking at the telly just completely on them. And she says anything beyond 15 minutes is a complete bonus. And I love that because it's a finite goal that we, you and I could achieve today.
Alex: Yeah. And it feels pretty achievable, right? Yeah. You just it's. Oh, God, I'm really sorry I'm interrupting you and nothing to say. Um, but 15 minutes doesn't sound like much. No.
Yumi: Totally doable. I think once you've achieved 15, if you get another five or another 15 on top of that bonus. But also just be really present in that time and your daughter will flourish under your attention. That's a hot tip. She's a marijuana plant. You're a heat lamp. The buds are blooming now. Remember, your daughter loves you. You're her whole world. And I bet when you do pick her up from Day-care and she's not having a tantrum and she's not covered in face tinea. Foot and mouth disease. Oh, my God, it's so bad. But I bet her little face lights up.
Alex: Oh, yeah.
Yumi: You're invested enough to feel guilty because you're a good mum. We love you. Mm hmm. Thanks for your. We're here for you. Voice message. please. If you've got a conundrum, send a voice note to ladies at [00:16:00] abc.net.au. And make sure you follow us on the ABC. Listen App.