Program: Hey Yumi! I'm tired of doing it all

Yumi
Hey ladies, Yumi your least qualified but best looking agony aunt. Now ever since we started this podcast...

Tamar
Sorry, Dolly Alderton's pretty hot.

Yumi
Oh really?

Tamar
Yeah.

Yumi
Oh, how rude. In these mini episodes I'm going to solve all, yes I said it, all of your problems and this one is a cracker. It's about how to get out from under the crushing weight of the mental load. I'm Yumi Steins. Ladies, we need to talk back. I've been banging on about the mental load for years. This listener is right in the thick of it. She's being pulled in a million directions and I think it's safe to say she is on the brink.

Stacey
Hi, I'm Stacey. I'm in my late thirties and I am desperate for some help around how I can communicate that I am struggling with the mental load. I work full time. I'm studying my masters. I volunteer at two different organizations. I run a business and I'm very, very, very tired of having to balance everything plus in the mental load of running a household. I've created chore lists. I've written things on the fridge and I just don't know how to do it anymore. I'm so fatigued. I'm feeling very depressed about it all and something's got to give. Otherwise it will break and I'm hoping that the break isn't me. Please help.

Yumi
Stacey, thank you for your voice note. Just if you've got a second, I know you don't, but maybe when you're driving between your two volunteer positions and work, you could listen to previous episodes we've done of this show. One is the mental load, which is an episode from way back in season one and the other is the episode about burnout because it sounds like you and burnout might be getting familiar with each other. In hetero relationships, women like Stacey are still the ones who are picking up the lion's share of the household duties and I'm not making stuff up. This is facts, scientifically studied and proven. It is the woman's job to remember what day the sports carnival is and to buy the birthday presents, visiting the mother-in-law, all while very often holding down full-time work. So in the booth with me, there are two sets of eyes and they're looking at me very intently. Those eyes belong to my producers, Tamar and Alex. Hey. Yay. Now, Alex, I'm not pointing any fingers. I might be pointing some fingers, but I feel like you and Stacey might have some things in common.

Alex
I love to be busy and I love to have a number of pots on the boil and it can kill me often, right? What I'm saying here, I've got a list of your things. A master's degree, volunteering, works full-time, runs a business and the household. Could you pick one to ease back on this year? Just make it baby steps for yourself and it's not forever. Maybe it's volunteering. And I know that's a really generous and giving thing that you're doing, but maybe it's time for a bit of giving to yourself. Yeah. Put the volunteering on pause, maybe till your master's is done and then you can ramp it back up again.

Yumi
You know what I thought about when I saw this is the exact same thing. Alex, I was like, she's got to stop doing everything. Just take a few things off the list. And volunteering was the same as I thought as well. She could give up her kids, just chuck them, drop them off at the pound or something. Or just never pick them up from school. What happens when you do that? Someone will look after her.

Tamar
Surely the husband will get a call. Someone will notice. She'll get a call and then they'll judge her for not picking them up. Trust me.

Yumi
It's true, but definitely strike some things off the list. But before we go any further with solving this conundrum, I heard a phrase that I found really intriguing, which was productivity addiction.

Tamar
Yeah. I was going to say, I feel like this is a kind of a form of identity. Yes. I am so busy. Therefore, I am.

Yumi
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Look at me with all these balls that I am juggling and I'm juggling them very effectively. I'm nailing the juggle. Watch me nearly fucking die. But I'm also a little bit angry. None of the balls are dropping. Yeah. None of the balls are dropping, but my balls are about to drop. So do you think she'd be willing to give up the volunteering? I think it's pretty hard.

Alex
Look, I think it's really frustrating in a home environment, right? When you're both working full time and you both come home from work and one partner goes straight to the kitchen to get dinner on, is emptying lunch boxes, is telling kids to get in the shower and the other partner's like, I just need a bit of downtime after my hard day. And it's perhaps on the phone.

Tamar
This is just a random example.

Alex
Yeah. Absolutely not specific at all. You know, like on their phone, on Facebook or whatever, it can be challenging. But also I think as women, we do sometimes miss the things that maybe are, this is very heteronormative, but our partners might do, that we aren't picking up on.

Yumi
Oh, get fucked, Alex. I'm trying to be generous. Jesus. What are you talking about? Like what? Taking a shit for three hours? Taking the bins out, which doesn't even take five minutes. I do the bins in my house.

Alex
I do the mowing of the lawn too, often. But that's a job I enjoy. Look, it's a hard conversation to have with your partner.

Tamar
Yeah, I think it is. But also I think for people who do take on too much, they tend to be perfectionist. Alex. And I have a feeling that Stacey is the same. And all of the things she's doing, she probably feels like she has to nail it. Like I bet she's not making chicken nuggets for dinner. And I bet you she's, you know, setting aside plenty of time to do her masters. I bet you she's going to the gym. I bet you she's looking great. I bet you she's, you know, making sure they've got a date night. Maintaining a friendship. Yeah, yeah. She's an overachiever. So I do reckon some of the things that she retains, and I don't think she can retain everything. She just has to accept that they can't be perfect all the time, or her mental health is going to dive off a cliff.

Yumi
Yeah, yeah. Maybe the way to sex that up for her, rather than accusing her of perfectionism so much. This is very victim blaming. Very victim blaming. You could sex it up by suggesting like, what hot thing are you going to say no to this week, Stacey? Like, I think we can all say in this room, we see you. You're doing a huge amount. And it is tiring. And we can relate, right? Alex is nodding furiously. And I'm sure you're killing it.

Alex
Killing all of them. Yeah. Right?

Tamar
And even if your husband doesn't acknowledge it, we are acknowledging it here.

Yumi
I think the big payoff is that he'll die first. No, statistically, he'll die first, and you'll have a really long...

Tamar
You'll have like three really great years in your 80s. So, thanks for that. In between him and then caring for your elderly parents, which inevitably you'll add to that list soon. And your children.

Yumi
It's true, though. I do see, not the death thing, which statistically is likely to happen, where he... Where are you going with this? Oh my God. Three years. Where'd it go already? It's a good 13 or so she'll have.

Tamar
She'll be in her twilight. She wants to know what she can do now.

Yumi
Have you noticed how horny Twilight ladies are? They are living their best lives. No,

Tamar
Stacey won't be because she'll be so completely exhausted and a shell of herself by then.

Yumi
The thing that we have is endurance. We are all endurance. No, we women are endurance athletes. We are. And Stacey, we absolutely max respect to you and what you're doing. Make sure you tell all your friends about Aunty Yumi. And if you have a problem that you want me to solve, send me a voice note to ladies at abc.net.au. Ladies at abc.net.au. And make sure you follow us on the ABC Listen app.