Clinical and somatic sexologist and relationship counsellor, Tanya Koens, answers reader's questions on those tricky issues many of us experience in (and outside) the bedroom. Expect adult content and themes.
Question: I love my partner and we have a great relationship, but the lust is gone and I crave that "new and exciting" feeling that being with another person would offer. Any advice?
Answer: This question is put to me in a variety of ways every week by all kinds of people in all kinds of relationships.
Turns out, there isn't a simple solution; rather it's a many faceted thing.
'Limerence', sexy hormones and why they disappear
Firstly, we need to understand the honeymoon period, or limerence.
Why? Because this seems to be the benchmark of modern love and attraction. It's what is portrayed in movies and media.
Limerence is the scientific name for the "honeymoon period" of a relationship.
It comes about when you get a new lover — your skin connects with their skin and your brain gets signals of "Oooh, someone new!"
It releases a set of sexy hormones (oxytocin, dopamine, phenylethylamine, testosterone, estrogen, serotonin and dehydroepiandrosterone) that help you fall in love.
These hormones put blinkers up and you don't see that they burp and fart and leave the lid off the toothpaste like everyone else.
The pleasure centre of the brain takes over and starts making all the decisions for you. There is a lot of spontaneous (and adventurous) sex.
It's the feeling of wanting to talk to your lover all the time and the "You hang up, no YOU hang up" conversation at the end of your phone calls.
It's the deliciousness of falling in love.
Through the miracle of science, we have managed to reproduce many of these chemicals, but sadly they don't have the same effect in pill format as they do when they are produced in the body.
The interesting thing to know about limerence is that for most people it lasts between six and 24 months — three years if you are lucky.
Then bang! Those chemicals leave the body and they don't come back unless you get another lover.
This is where I look at people's narratives about love and sex.
In limerence a lot of the desire and lust is spontaneous and it's easy to get to sex and to feel adventurous.
Because of this, many people think when you get yourself into a relationship you will both ride off into the sunset and make love happily every after.
Not so. Your sexual relationship — just like your overall relationship — needs work and maintenance if it is to be strong and serve you well.
Realising love is a decision
When people don't understand limerence and its effects, it can feel as if they have fallen out of love with their partner when the ease of connecting wanes.
If I had $1 for every time someone said to me "I love my partner but I am not 'in love' with them", I would be rich.
These are the folks who are relying on the ease of connection that limerence provides, or they may be confusing lust with love.
As I explained above, it's important to know you need to work at both your relationship and your intimate connection.
Loving someone is a decision. It's a decision to stay in the relationship and show up every day.
It's easy to surf feelings of lust. It's much harder to show up every day and navigate the ins and outs of a personal relationship.
It is well known and researched that desire will gradually decline in long-term relationships.
With this knowledge, we know that sex is something that needs to be discussed and prioritised.
It doesn't happen automatically in long-term relationships.
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Creating desire and arousal in long-term relationships
When it comes to desire, people are influenced by what they see in the media and that is nearly always spontaneous desire.
It is the kind of desire that manifests as a tingling in the loins, feeling horny, feeling desirous and feeling sexy.
It is desire that bubbles up from within and often inspires you to seek out or suggest sex.
This is the kind of desire that most of us experience when we first connect with someone — the limerence phase.
Because this type of desire is so commonly portrayed, many people think this is the only kind of desire and that there is something wrong with them if they don't feel like this all of the time.
This is where the other type of desire can come in: responsive desire.
This is the type of desire that we have when our partner does something and it can take us from not being interested in sex to being open to it.
Actions like having a cuddle, getting nuzzled on the neck, receiving a foot rub, even doing some household chores!
It means that desire doesn't always have to come from a tingling in the loins — it can come from an appreciation or feeling connected to our partner.
It can be a decision. Responsive desire is no less valid that spontaneous desire.
I have many clients coming to me after 10, 15 or more years in a relationship and they feel that something is wrong because they don't have the spontaneous desire they had when they first met.
I work with these clients and get them to create opportunities to be spontaneous in their lives.
Intentional time together, where they are connecting physically doing things like taking a bath together or giving each other a massage.
It can lead to sex but it doesn't have to. I call it planning to be spontaneous.
Give it a try and see if it helps you create some more excitement in your intimate life.
This article contains general information only. You should consider obtaining independent professional advice in relation to your particular circumstances.