Recognising financial abuse in relationships and where to get help

Kylie* trusted her boyfriend. So when he asked to use her bank and credit cards, she allowed it.

Then things escalated.

He took complete control of her finances and began racking up debt in her name.

"He would give me dribs and drabs," Kylie says.

"I knew it was wrong, but was saying 'no' worth getting hit over? No."

She eventually ended the relationship, fleeing their home with a debt of $40,000.

Aside from being forced to declare bankruptcy and accruing a bad credit rating, she says the emotional scars "will always be there".

Research has shown nearly 16 per cent of Australian women experience economic abuse. Financial stress and disability are important markers.

Kylie believes her intellectual disability made her more vulnerable.

"When you're up against someone powerful like the person I dealt with, you don't understand, you get trapped and you don't know how to get out."

But she wants other women to know there is support available for this largely hidden form of domestic violence.

What is financial abuse?

Financial abuse isn't exclusive to intimate relationships.

Nicole McMahon, 1800RESPECT's general manager, says financial abuse happens when someone is excluded from financial decision-making or restricted from accessing money that is rightfully theirs.

It takes on many forms and can look different for each victim.

"It can also be forcing you to pay for things you don't want or need, pressuring you to give money to someone, and controlling your benefits or pay," Ms McMahon says.

"It can be stopping someone from studying or working. It can be someone forcing you to sign over assets or taking out loans in somebody else's name."

Women are the majority of victims for economic abuse and often it can be subtle, explains Joanne Yates, CEO of Domestic Violence NSW.

For example, someone taking control of a joint bank account.

"They might be monitoring what you spend, you might have to ask permission to buy certain things, or they might take complete control of your pay and give parts back to you as an allowance," she says.

Cultural expectations also mean it can affect families differently, explains Professor Supriya Singh, from RMIT University's School of Business and Law.

"In the Indian community in Australia, financial abuse is coloured by money being owned by the family rather than the couple," she says.

While a son sending money to his parents in India might be perceived as an act of respect born out of obligation, that's not always the case.

"When the husband sends all his money and some of his wife's money to his parents without consulting his wife, then remittances become financially abusive," Professor Singh says.

The consequences of financial abuse

All kinds of abuse can leave emotional, psychological and physical scars.

Financial abuse has the added consequence of leaving someone broke or in debt and, in extreme cases, homeless, says Ms Yates.

"Especially when older couples are divorcing … women have less pay and super due to looking after their families.

"They lose their houses and we start to see women end up homeless."

Kylie says while she feels stronger for having gone through what she did, she still feels emotional thinking about it.

"People with disabilities are absolutely more vulnerable. I trusted him, and I was suffering."

What are the early warning signs?

When the controlling behaviour around finances becomes a pattern, that is a sign of abuse, Ms McMahon says.

"One of the most common warning signs is that exclusion [from financial decisions]."

Ms Yates says it could start with something simple like a request for a small loan of money.

"They might say 'I'm not due to get paid until next week, would you mind paying for groceries or shouting dinner?'

"When it becomes a pattern and opposed to a one-off — there's an imbalance."

She says if a request makes you feel uncomfortable, don't ignore that gut instinct.

Those who have experienced financial abuse say:

• They were fearful of the other person.
• Financial abuse was experienced with other forms of abuse.
• There were subtle changes in the other person's behaviour, and it then progressed over time.
• They were made to feel "stupid" or incompetent.
• Loans, mortgages, credit cards and accounts were only in one person's name, and this made them feel powerless and trapped.
• There were no discussions about finance, income and budgets. Decisions were made without their input.

Source: 1800RESPECT

Seeking help

Ms McMahon says it often takes victims of financial abuse a long time to seek help as they can't see a way out.

"The most important thing is to understand it is really quite common and there is support available, there is no shame in seeking assistance," she says.

Victims or people worried about someone they know can call 1800RESPECT or jump online to chat to a counsellor.

The National Debt Helpline offers free financial counselling.

Ms Yates also recommends sharing with a friend or someone you trust for support.

Kylie says she wants other women to know that while it might be tough at first, seeking help was the best thing she ever did.

"There is light at the end of the tunnel. People will listen and want to help."

*Name changed for confidentiality.