When Justin* was transitioning, he wanted to keep it private.
"I had chosen not to tell my parents as my mum was in the middle of cancer treatment," he says.
But after several threatening emails over a disagreement about their kids, his ex-girlfriend 'outed' him.
It's just one example of the psychological abuse Justin, from regional NSW, experienced for 10 years.
"I felt very confused for a long time about what was real and not real."
Justin says while coercive control can be "difficult to prove", it caused him the most trauma of all the abuse he experienced.
The murder of Hannah Clarke and her three children by her estranged husband has shone a light on this "intimate terrorism" — a reminder that physical violence doesn't need to be present for a relationship to be abusive.
"When a lot of people think of family violence, they think of physical violence as an indicator," says Rita Butera, CEO of Safe Steps Family Violence Response Centre.
"Coercive control takes it to another level."
What is coercive control?
Research from 2016/17 shows 82 per cent of women assessed by Safe Steps have experienced controlling behaviours.
1800RESPECT clinical lead Inez Carey says it's behaviour that humiliates, frightens and disempowers another person.
"It can be ongoing and escalate. It is designed to control," she says.
"Coercive behaviour is often central to abusive relationships and can therefore be a sign that someone is in an abusive relationship."
It can be accompanied by other forms of abuse, such as physical, verbal or financial — but can also include none of those things.
"It may not hurt your body, but it can be just as painful and distressing," Ms Carey says.
What coercive control looks like
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours — including isolating a person so they are no longer connected to any support networks, intimidating and micromanaging them, humiliating, degrading and monitoring them, explains Renata Field, media spokesperson for Domestic Violence NSW.
Ms Carey says while it may appear subtle at first, it can gradually increase over time.
Speaking to our three experts, we compiled a list of warning signs:
- Being isolated from friends, family and other support (either physically or online).
- Turning people against you or behaving so poorly around friends and family that they don't want you as guests.
- Gaslighting (making you think that they are always right) and forcing you to question your ability to make decisions and can result in you feeling confused and doubting your decisions and memory.
- Humiliating or bullying you in front of others. This can include fabricating lies about you.
- Making threats of physical harm (against you, them, your family, your pets) or threatening to take things away.
- Constantly monitoring your activities (where you were, who you talked to).
- Controlling finances; only allowing access to a small sum of money for groceries and asking to see all receipts.
- Monitoring all communications: phones, social media and emails.
- Prohibiting or enforcing you to go to religious gatherings.
- Taking away your choices or making you feel like you don't have a choice.
Justin's abuse included physical, emotional, sexual, financial, and psychological abuse.
His ex-partner would often gaslight him during arguments.
"She would yell for hours and spend that whole time telling me what a horrible person I was," he says.
"When I'd confront her about it the next day, she'd deny saying any of it or say, 'You don't remember that you did this or said this'. It was all lies."
He struggled, and still does, to have people understand the mental torment he experienced.
"Even when I had AVOs and police would see her at my house and come and take her away, they would say: 'She's just hurting, can you just be nicer'.
"My mum will still say those things [10 years since the relationship ended] because she doesn't understand the complexity of it."
What makes coercive control so dangerous
The NSW Death Review Team annual report shows many relationships which end in homicides had no previous reports of physical injuries.
But as it stands, coercive control is not a crime.
"For police it is challenging to address coercive control in Australia, as it falls outside of our current criminal code," Ms Field says.
And because coercive behaviour controls a person and makes them feel disempowered, they may not even realise it is happening, Ms Carey says.
It's important people watch for red flags early on in a relationship.
"It's uncommon for someone to become highly abusive straight away," Ms Butera says.
"They often start by trying to gain power over small things in subtle ways."
She says those subtle controls can be little things like increased phone calls and texts.
It's important to have a support network, where you can talk about your experiences and what steps you can take.
"You are not alone and support is available, through services including 1800RESPECT, our counsellors can assist you with safety planning," Ms Carey says.
Justin wants people to know coercive control can be perpetrated by anyone.
"If you met my ex you'd think she is so charming and a good person. They look like everyone else."
*Names have been changed for privacy.
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