Sibling rivalry is universal. But we probably haven't faced a time in living memory where it has had such opportunity to come to the fore.
Let's be honest: lots of grown-ups have been experiencing more heated moments, more frustration and struggles to communicate in respectful and caring ways. If grown-ups are struggling, we need to cut our kids some slack.
Remember, they are trying to negotiate all this without a fully formed prefrontal cortex — a mature brain.
And consider that every human is genetically programmed to protect the limited resources that will help them survive. For your children, that includes not just food, shelter and water. They also depend on and compete for your time, love and attention.
And despite being born into the same family, siblings are unique human beings. Your kids have differences of temperament, development, neurodiversity and maturity on all levels.
When we squeeze all these differences into little people, tweens or teens, of course there will be some challenging moments.
Kids' capacity to manage their energy and self-regulate emotions and moods is still developing. Have you noticed that sometimes siblings can play really well together for anywhere from 20 minutes to a couple of hours, and then all hell breaks loose?
Research shows some children run out of energy quicker than others, and feeling depleted energetically can cause a rise in cortisol, the stress hormone.
Given everyone is struggling with higher levels of stress right now, it would make sense that many homes are struggling with more sibling rivalry.
Do you have brothers or sisters? Did you ever feel that fighting with them was a bit like squeezing a pimple? You know you shouldn't, but you just can't help yourself.
Managing impulsive behaviour
Sometimes siblings impulsively choose behaviours they haven't planned.
Sometimes this ends up in a fun experience rather than a fight. I have clear visions of my sons having water fights on the back lawn, and ended up keeping a spare packet of water balloons handy for times when I saw they needed to discharge a lot of energy quickly.
Many school-aged kids have been struggling with the disconnection from their friendship groups, and no amount of online connection can replace that.
Miraculously, some families have found the extra time they have together has meant siblings have become closer. Some parents have been able to aid this with family board games, movie nights and less rushed mealtimes.
Sadly, this is not every family's experience, and we need to be realistic that we can't prevent every single fight or disagreement.
There is a big difference though, between endless niggling and bickering, and behaviour that ends with someone being hurt. And of course, when situations escalate between siblings, it is really hard not to be triggered as a parent.
I spoke with author Justin Coulson, himself a dad of six, about this issue for a recent episode of the ABC podcast I host, Parental As Anything.
Dr Coulson said we must remember always that even with people we love, it's OK to disagree.
As parents dealing with it, he says the key is "focus on emotions more than fixing the problem".
Taking the pressure down
How you manage these really heated moments can make a big difference.
The key is being able to stay calm enough to respond to the situation, rather than react to it. Often when we react, we will be reacting from our own childhood wounds in some way.
As the big, safe grown-ups, it's essential we ensure that any physical hurting stops immediately.
Then our biggest job is to see the world through our children's eyes, and help them to identify the problem.
Finally, we help them work out solutions.
It can really help if you have very clear family values, rules or guidelines, and also boundaries around each child's "special things". So many conflicts happen around unclear boundaries over toys, devices, bedrooms or clothes.
Dr Laura Markham in her book Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings explains that using punishment — the use of force or discomfort — to stop sibling conflict often teaches siblings to use force against each other rather than problem solve.
Often when a child is punished for fighting with a sibling it will simply increase the amount of resentment between them and the likelihood of revenge.
One really good way for parents to help siblings when things get difficult, is to help both parties see how the action appears from the other side.
This is how empathy is formed — when we are able to show how some action, often unintentionally (sometimes definitely intentionally!), can impact another person because it is unkind, hurtful, unfair or just plain wrong.
We parents need to become interpreters because most kids are too immature emotionally to do this for themselves.
Once a dispute has been resolved, it can be helpful if all parties experience a warm connection with the parent who was the interpreter of the moment.
If we keep in mind the most fundamental need of every child is love and human connectedness, then when that is offered — especially when it may seem they deserve it the least — it can reduce the natural sibling rivalry over limited resources.
One last tip is the more fun that siblings have together, like the water fights on the back lawn, the longer siblings tend to get on.
So work out ways for your kids to really enjoy spending time with their siblings, even if it means a cubby in your dining room for a week or hours spent climbing trees or jumping in mud. The less cortisol, the better for everyone.
Maggie Dent is a parenting author, former teacher and counsellor. She is host of the ABC's Parental As Anything podcast.
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