After a stressful day of work and parenting, Selina* isn't keen on having sex with her partner.
But the 30-year-old says it's also the quickest way to help her relax and "focus completely on the present moment".
"I liken it to not having the motivation to go to the gym; but once the workout is over you've got overflowing endorphins," the Mornington Peninsula resident says.
There are many reasons people have sex even when they don't feel like it — and the consequences can be good and bad, depending on why you're doing it, explains sexologist Kassandra Mourikis.
"If you're not getting any pleasure or joy out of it, then you are far more likely to have a negative outcome," she says.
We explore why people have sex without desire, and the possible outcomes of doing so.
Being pressured to have sex is never OK
The difference between having sex when you're not in the mood and sexual assault or coercion is consent.
Sexual coercion involves behaviour that is not always criminal, but is usually abusive in some way.
"If you're feeling like you have to say yes to stop someone asking, or to get something out of the way with, that's sexual violence — that's not consensual sex," Ms Mourikis says.
"A lot of people don't see it as sexual violence; they think this person is just not giving up, and I'm feeling worn down."
For help you can contact 1800 RESPECT, the national body for supporting people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse.
The reasons we have sex without desire
A desire to satisfy a partner or feelings of obligation are common motivations for having sex despite not feeling like it, explains Ms Mourikis.
People can also seek to alleviate feelings of guilt or shame, or "sometimes they've just been taught it's their duty", she says.
Lauren Muratore is a sex therapist and couples counsellor who sees people with regimented approaches to sex frequency.
"They feel like sex should be happening in a relationship and they have a numerical value on how often it should."
Sex without desire can also be about connecting with a partner on a deeper level.
It's something 37-year-old Jasmine*, from Brisbane, values in her relationship.
"We are parents now and we own a business together. So we are literally together 24/7," she says.
While they communicate well, Jasmine says spending so much time together can lead to frustrations.
"If we argue or we become disconnected due to work being busy and parenting being relentless, we'll often stop and 'get naked' and have sex and it instantly reconnects us, and takes us back to why we liked each other in the first place."
People might also be motivated to earn income, or a desire to conceive. Others believe — rightly or wrongly — if they don't have sex their partner might seek it elsewhere, Ms Mourikis says.
When it's supportive vs unsupportive
Ms Mourikis says there are reasons to have sex when you don't feel like it that are supportive to your wellbeing and the relationship, and those that are unsupportive.
"It's supportive if it's someone's choice, free of coercion, expectation or pressure, and they are viewing sex as a gift," she says.
"It's supportive if it's for their partner's pleasure and the person who doesn't have desire experiences some pleasure or satisfaction from seeing their partner feeling pleasure."
Unsupportive reasons are when there is a negative impact on mental health and wellbeing, says Ms Mourkis.
"If they are having sex to avoid feeling guilty or to avoid letting their partner down, then there is something else going on."
She says doing it because you feel like it's a duty is more likely to lead to resentment.
While men also have sex without desire, Ms Mourikis says it's more common for women because in society they are expected to meet everybody else's needs before their own.
"It's saying: 'It's more important for my partner to be satisfied and comfortable than it is for me, so I will tolerate something unsatisfying and uncomfortable and I've done my duty.'"
Positive and negative consequences
George, 42, describes his sex life as honest, unorthodox, adventurous and fluid.
He's been seeing someone for two and a half years and says even if he's not up for sex, he still enjoys it because it pleases them.
"Who doesn't love putting a smile on a loved one's face?
"There is never a day where I can't appreciate intimacy and the validation that comes with being found interesting and attractive by someone you love."
What George experiences is an example of a positive outcome from engaging in sex without desire.
"It's a way to express love to your partner — and you're able to increase communication skills and respect because you are really working hard at negotiating what works for both people," Ms Mourikis says.
It can be two people being aware of their boundaries and being able to voice what they are happy to do, Mr Muratore says.
Possible negative outcomes include your body experiencing a stress response.
"If you have sex when you're a bit angry or when you don't want to, your body is more likely to be tense or to brace," Ms Mourikis says.
"Your muscles are tight, and you can't become aroused during a stress response."
That can lead to sexual pain and a cycle of avoidance.
"You can slowly begin to resent your partner and find that you're constantly frustrated with them and short-tempered but you might not know why," Ms Mourikis says.
She says it may also lead to:
- Avoiding any kind of physical and emotional intimacy;
- No longer finding sex pleasurable or satisfying;
- Feeling like sex is always a duty or a chore;
- Long-term negative effects on your mental health.
Holly* says having sex with her husband when she's not feeling sexual makes her want sex even less.
"I know he would prefer to not get pity sex, but sometimes I feel like if I waited until I was in the mood it could takes weeks," the 35-year-old says.
"Unfortunately for me, it leaves sex feeling like a chore or a duty rather than the intended feeling of connection and intimacy, which broadens the sexual gap."
What to do if you feel like it's having a negative impact
If having sex without desire is affecting you in a way that is unhelpful to you or the relationship, Ms Mourikis says it's worth interrogating.
"Reflect on why you've tolerated sex when you didn't feel like it — think about the beliefs under those reasons.
"Who taught you to feel responsible for meeting your partner's needs?"
From there you can move forward by setting boundaries. For example, "I'm going to honour and respect my 'no' when I don't feel like having sex" or "I will not engage with specific sex activities that leave me feeling angry", says Ms Mourikis.
She recommends journalling to realise what those boundaries are.
Then it's time to speak to your partner.
Ms Muratore suggests coming up with other ways to be intimate when you're not up for sex.
For example: massage, making out or watching a movie together — whatever you both agree on.
It's a process of negotiation, says Ms Mourikis.
"Each person is responsible for meeting their own pleasure."
If you feel like the communication is not productive, you can consider seeking the support of a professional sex therapist or couples counsellor.
*Names changed for privacy.
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