Why more women are suggesting open relationships

Before a work trip a few years ago, Chloe hinted to her husband she wanted to have sex with someone else.

While she didn't have a particular person in mind, it had been a fantasy of hers for a while.

Far from dismissing it, her husband suggested she go for it.

That didn't eventuate, but the couple officially began a non-monogamous relationship earlier this year.

An old friend had called Chloe to wish her happy birthday and they ended up catching up — and sleeping together.

"It was very intense. That was the first time I had sex with anyone aside from my partner in 10 years," she says.

Since then, Chloe and her husband have dated and slept with other people, with some connections stronger than others.

"The only way people traditionally have thought about having feelings for others, or sleeping with [someone] other than their primary partner, is betrayal," she says.

"Or it's a sign something's gone terribly wrong."

But Chloe doesn't feel that way — nor do a growing number of others.

More and more people are actively looking for alternatives to monogamy, research shows.

And it's women leading this relationship revolution, explains author and social researcher Wednesday Martin.

"The more empowered women become, the more you will see women saying, 'I'm done with monogamy.'"

Changing relationships led by women

The story we've heard over and over, whether it's in the media or scientific studies, is that monogamy somehow comes more easily to women, says Martin.

"And then we're also told that for men … it's quite 'natural' to be promiscuous, to want to spread their seed and to want to basically have sex with anything that isn't nailed down."

But in the past decade, research is telling us a new story about male and female sexuality.

"There have been at least six longitudinal studies … in total tens of thousands of adults in a range of ages from 18 to 70, which have showed consistently that in a long-term committed exclusive relationship, women stop wanting to have sex in years one to four.

"But men in these long-term exclusive relationships are pretty happy having sex with their long-term partners for nine or 12 years without reporting boredom."

And Martin says it's not because women want less sex. They need variety, novelty and adventure — otherwise, they get bored.

"What we see consistently, repeatedly is that for women only, long-term monogamy is predicting low desire, not because they don't like sex, but because it's harder for them to be interested in sex with the same person over and over and over."

When researching her book Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free, Martin discovered it was women who were primarily asking for polyamorous and open relationships.

"[They were] coming into therapists with their male partners and saying, 'I want us to introduce a third into our relationship.'"

Desiree Spierings is a relationship counsellor and sex therapist in Sydney. She says in the clients she has worked with, more often it is the woman instigating an open or poly relationship.

And generally she sees more same-sex couples in non-monogamous relationships than heterosexual.

There aren't a lot of stats available for polyamory in Australia, but 2014 research appearing in CSIRO Publishing found 1 per cent of 5,323 respondents were in an "open relationship".

Poly, open, monogamish — what's the difference?

Each person may define their relationship in a different way. There is no wrong or right when it comes to labelling.

Chloe says she and her husband are "open, or poly, depending on who you ask".

The general difference between open and polyamorous relationships is the level of connection, according to Ms Spierings.

"The clear difference is that in open relationships, the open really stands for the sexual part.

"Open relationships means they allow their partner … to have sex with others, whether this is together or separate.

"Whereas [in] polyamory, they also allow to form a stronger emotional connection with this other person. And sometimes this includes sex."

Ms Spierings says she is seeing more couples exploring polyamory than she did 10 years ago — but she's not sure if that is just because people are more open about it.

What it means for the relationship

When Chloe first experienced a desire to be with people other than her husband, she wondered if it reflected her feelings for him.

"I've been in and out of therapy for a long time and I remember … [the therapist saying] 'All of these feelings you're feeling have got nothing to do with your relationship with your husband. It's all on you'."

That was a lightbulb moment for Chloe, who says non-monogamy has only made the relationship with her husband stronger.

Ms Spierings says for any couple considering changing their monogamous relationship to a non-monogamous one, there are a few things to consider.

Firstly, why do you want to be with other people?

"Is that because there's issues in the primary relationship? Because that's not the right reason.

"Is it because really you're contemplating ending the primary relationship? This is kind of an easy way out."

You may need to work together as a couple with a professional therapist to help determine this.

If you establish it's for the "right" reason, you and your partner need to set boundaries.

For example, who are you allowed to see? Who is allowed to know about it? Will you share details with one another? How much time can you spend with them? What sexual things are allowed?

"People don't think about the details, but it's very important for that to be discussed," Ms Spierings says.